High Arctic and what it did to me

I said on FB that this trip was transformational, and so it was. I've traveled alone before but this trip was different. Maybe I was simply ready, or maybe it was something about where I was. There's a whole list of maybes that don't really matter. Whatever it was, as I said to a friend made on the trip, I feel as if I am finally walking out of the shadow of grief. I will be forever changed by it, but the blanket that muffled my emotions fell away and I can feel things I haven't felt for years.

I've remembered what it is to feel desire, to feel passion, to feel that there is a world of possibility for me. I feel twenty years younger. While away I felt strong and powerful and beautiful. I am not afraid. I'm ready to take chances again. I woke up.

It was fantastic to not have any contact with the world. No news of any sort. No social media. I came to believe that we have made ourselves sick with our current culture. I have gone on FB and it's a mire of bad news and rage and self-absorption. It feels desperate to me, and I don't want to feel desperate. So I'll be severely curtailing my time there. I'm glad to have made some friends that I consider truly good friends and I hope to stay in touch, but the time spent scrolling through repeated awful news and anger -- all of it feels impotent and toxic to me. So no. I'll do what I must to keep in touch, but no more.

To my vast amazement, I lost weight. I ate like a horse and drank like a fucking fish and I lost weight. Some of it no doubt is the fact that I was moving 5 to six hours a day. We hiked and walked and I took photos from the zodiacs which have left my legs covered with bruises. The air was cold (my Lopi sweater was a miraculous thing, finally a place where it shone) and the food was cooked by a Russians so -very- different from what we eat. Sugar was practically invisible though there was a desert every dinner. Big, meaty fatty dinners, the rest of the day was grains and broth-based soups. No bread. Almost no cheese. I ate tons of potato chips, everything was very salty, I drank two G&Ts a day plus a glass of wine and I left with my too-tight rain pants hanging on me. I am amazed. Part of it was also, I think, because I was happy, contented, and sometimes ecstatic.

Being outside made me happy. I must do more of this. I will get a damn dry suit and find a way to get the kayaks closer because I must do this -- I love it and let myself forget. I will hike more, alone if I have to, but with people if I can. I will be physical because I've remembered now that I love my body, it's strong and flexible and I'm lucky to have it.

UNTOUCHED PALEO ESKIMO SITES OMFG I THOUGHT I'D DIED AND GONE TO HEAVEN. I went for the icebergs, but the paleo sites were mind-blowing. I am in love with them. Truly lost my heart.

The animals were nice too. :)

The arctic is a fever in my blood. I am going to sign up to learn Norwegian this fall at the Scandinavian Center. They don't teach Icelandic, alas, but Svalbard belongs to Norway and to be in Longyearbyen for any length of time Norwegian would be a good idea. And I will return, not this year but I am going to go and I will stay for months either in Longyearbyen or Iceland to see what I think. I will go on a dog sled and camp in the arctic. I want to do this. I can do this. So I am formulating a plan.

Seattle will always be the other half of my heart, but this heat, this summer. I hate it. I hate it hard.

I have friends around the world. I promised Hilary, the expedition doctor, that I'd come to London next year so we can do theater together. I have friends who would give me a room in England, the Falklands, Tasmania, every city in Australia, indeed the boys from Perth were -particularly- enthusiastic with their invitations, so maybe not them. :)

It was amazing. I learned so much. I fell a little in lust. I rediscovered my passion for archeology. I'm a much better photographer, which is not a big thing in some ways but it was one of the reasons for going. And now I know I must go back.